A white, unadorned empty room
Two things here. The double life of course.... sounds intriguing.
And, the final chapter....
Sounds ominous.
I have given you a few of the disparate pieces of the puzzle, Alan Liles.
Hoping you might find sensible matches in the heap, the insidious mayhem, that is me. Or at least, I've tried to give you a rough timeline and some sense of the haphazard way my mind works, and how I have lived, so that you might draw your own conclusions. I don't know if I have adequately answered your questions, or, if I have rambled about in so many directions that I have utterly lost you.
On the first morning I appeared to wake up in St. Joseph’s Hospital in Eureka, California on May 5 of the worst year yet, 2014. I found myself walking down an empty, plain white hallway. A hospital corridor. I turned right into a numberless room—
A white, unadorned, empty room.
There was no one else there but me.
All the walls were blank white.
There were no windows.
The room had four walls, a ceiling and a floor.
It was a typical rectangular prism.
A sterile hospital room.
All the walls were blank white.
There were no windows.
The room had four walls, a ceiling and a floor.
It was a typical rectangular prism.
A sterile hospital room.
There was one odd thing about this otherwise utterly banal, empty room—
Other than the plain doorway.
From the bland hallway through which I had entered.
From the bland hallway through which I had entered.
The otherwise empty, numberless room.
Had only one other open, rectangular, normal looking doorway.
So, two doorways then.
Had only one other open, rectangular, normal looking doorway.
So, two doorways then.
And no windows.
An entrance with no door.
And this second doorless doorway.
Set more or less in the center of one of four white walls.
I believe that this second doorway.
Appeared to my left upon entering.
An entrance with no door.
And this second doorless doorway.
Set more or less in the center of one of four white walls.
I believe that this second doorway.
Appeared to my left upon entering.
My curiosity naturally aroused.
I went up to the inner doorway and peered through it.
I went up to the inner doorway and peered through it.
I saw the… infinite dark, bright beyond of interstellar space.
I saw what we commonly call: the visible universe.
Or yonder Milky Way.
I saw what we commonly call: the visible universe.
Or yonder Milky Way.
Gaping into the spectral wonder of the cosmos.
I had a curious thought.
All I have to do is step through that doorway and—
I had a curious thought.
All I have to do is step through that doorway and—
Walla! Straight to heaven! Out of this world! Done deal! Gone
With a whoosh?!
A silent scream, or... a policeman's laugh... perhaps.
There was really no time to get nauseous with Sartre, or, come up with a poignant quip from… Kafka, say—
“He who seeks does not find,
But he who does not seek
Will be”…
But he who does not seek
Will be”…
Arrested and thrown into prison. I know. I know
I was contemplating my exit strategy just so.
The ease with which I could depart this sorry world.
The ease with which I could depart this sorry world.
When just at that precise moment I heard a voice behind and above me.
I think somewhere to the right.
I think somewhere to the right.
The voice said quite clearly and firmly.
The decision is not yours to make.
The decision is not yours to make.
We, the Council of Five, will make the decision.
When and if.
You will be allowed to leave this place.
When and if.
You will be allowed to leave this place.
Oh, I didn't know… I heard myself muttering sheepishly… to the four blank… white walls. Assuming they had ears. Of course.
I tried to turn around and see who—
Or what it was… that was.
Speaking down to me with such force of authority.
But alas…
I could only just barely make out a shimmer at the far edges of my vision.
Speaking down to me with such force of authority.
But alas…
I could only just barely make out a shimmer at the far edges of my vision.
Whatever it was. A voice continued…
We. The Council of Five—
Or something odd, yet familiar like that…
We must come to.
A unanimous decision first.
Before you are allowed to leave this place.
A unanimous decision first.
Before you are allowed to leave this place.
I see. I said. Biding my time. I didn't really see at all. I didn't have a clue.
Then the voice said.
We, the Grand Council of Five.
We will put your unspoken request to a vote.
One by One.
Only upon the unanimous agreement of this high council.
Will you be allowed to proceed.
That is. Only upon the unanimous agreement of this—
We will put your unspoken request to a vote.
One by One.
Only upon the unanimous agreement of this high council.
Will you be allowed to proceed.
That is. Only upon the unanimous agreement of this—
High Council of Five Elemental Elders
Will you be allowed to exit through that curious.
Yet empty doorway that.
You appear to have been drawn to…
Yet empty doorway that.
You appear to have been drawn to…
You do understand.
We know that you were contemplating leaving.
Escaping your present reality through that doorway.
And.
You will only be allowed to do so at our discretion.
We know that you were contemplating leaving.
Escaping your present reality through that doorway.
And.
You will only be allowed to do so at our discretion.
So now. You do see.
Yes, I agreed. I get it. You are reading my mind.
And you are somehow in charge of my fate.
Am I right?
Pass Go>>> Collect $200. Or. Go to Jail, Go Directly to Jail>>>>
>>>Do not Pass<<< <<Go>>
Do not collect…
And you are somehow in charge of my fate.
Am I right?
Pass Go>>> Collect $200. Or. Go to Jail, Go Directly to Jail>>>>
>>>Do not Pass<<< <<Go>>
Do not collect…
Proceed with the card reading.... gentlemen, ladies….?
No free rides on yonder Reading Railroad for… eh, gov’nas?
Don't be coy.
You know us well.
We are "you" in every sense of the word.
You know us well.
We are "you" in every sense of the word.
WE ARE THE FIVE SUBTLE INTEGRAL ELEMENTS
We are the in-dwelling psychic modules of living being in this domain.
We run this place.
We decide and direct all matters on this earthly plane.
We run this place.
We decide and direct all matters on this earthly plane.
Oh, right! Of course. “My Higher Power”. How silly of me!
The Five (Not So) Subtle Elements. Ah. Yes. Please…
Here's how it goes, sonny boy—
First the HONORABLE EARTH ELEMENT will stand up and vote.
First the HONORABLE EARTH ELEMENT will stand up and vote.
Stumps Up or Down, yes or no... a simple up or down vote.
Then the HONORABLE WATER ELEMENT will vote. Waves up or down.
Yes or no.
Yes or no.
Next the Honorable Fire Element, then the Honorable Air Element, then
Our Beloved Majesty, the Grand Leader of All—
Our Beloved Majesty, the Grand Leader of All—
No less than HER HIGHNESS! HER HOLINESS!
THE SPACE ELEMENT!
CONSCIOUSNESS HERSELF!!
MOTHER OF US ALL!!
Yes, yes.... I get it. I understand. Good ELEMENTS... let the voting begin!
Something like that.
And so, the bone-crushing Earth Element arose and gave the cherished indicator from the Roman Coliseum… in Caesar’s original sign language… the familiar cipher… “thumbs up or down”.… with his brawny ham-fist
Earth said, yes. He has completed his dubious—nevertheless ecstatic—gardening business with me, I allow him to pass. And next, the
Earth said, yes. He has completed his dubious—nevertheless ecstatic—gardening business with me, I allow him to pass. And next, the
The whale-sprouting Water Element stood up, said yes, he has completed his ecstatic—surfer’s wave worshipping—service to me, I allow him to go.
Then Fire bellowed. Yes yes.... I'm done with the ecstatic, over-heated testicles of this horny woodpecker! Send him up in smoke for all I care! He may pass.
Then, HH, HH… the Space Element said. Far out, man. Well, I see all are in agreement so far. Now it is up to the partly-cloudy Air Element to make her timely choice. Aaaahhhh, the Space Element quipped. It's up to your "weak sister" to decide. Your weakest constitutional element….
How fitting…. Freddy? Air guitar, please…
“We are the champions, my friend
We’ll go on fighting to the end”…
We’ll go on fighting to the end”…
Well, Sister Air…. “blowin in the wind”… What is it going to be? Has he fulfilled his goodly, full-bodily, ecstatic bargain with you then?
All of the other, bolder elements seemed to turn inquisitively toward… the faintest tapping in the farthest corner… somewhere down behind the pineal pin cushion… just barely discernible with the naked eardrum of the mind...
And, well, yes.....?
Not a breath of air stirred. In the empty room. Absolute silence. No rumbling thunderclouds. No lightning. No thunder. No rainbows. No Mahasamadhi…
Then, suddenly. Out of nowhere, as it were. A shy voice said. No. He can't go. I won't let him pass…. expire.
Ahhhhhh, THE SPACE ELEMENT thundered!!!
We didn't quite hear you there, SISTER AIR!!
Breath some life into it!
I huffed..... the Air Element began to warm to it.... and I puffed… and—
WEEEE’LLL GO ON FIGHTING!!!!!
Theeeeeere. That's more like it. Now we’re getting somewhere!!
What that means to you, sonny boy. Is.
You don't get to pass through that most interesting doorless doorway.
Not yet.
Oh, I thought. Too bad. Looked like a lot of fun. Swan diving into the eternal abyss. Spiraling out into the infinite beyond
Oh well. What now, I heard myself think?
Well, now, THE NOBLE SPACE ELEMENT began—
NOOOOWWWW!!!
We must assign you a unique task.
A hero’s Herculean sadhana.
A multi tiered, colossal task that you must seek.
To graciously, ecstatically fulfill.
With all of the borrowed molecules.
Of your benighted, bungee jumping being.
Before you return to this—
A hero’s Herculean sadhana.
A multi tiered, colossal task that you must seek.
To graciously, ecstatically fulfill.
With all of the borrowed molecules.
Of your benighted, bungee jumping being.
Before you return to this—
This banal, empty, white room.
To hop skip and jump through that fascinating doorway, I furthered.
Yes, precisely, the Air Element gasped.
OK? I responded. A monumental task… Like what?
Hacking Python… into a Promise Pegasus bower… of pixelated petabytes!? Bludgeoning, then boiling Apophis into a… Nobel Prize- winning stew of subatomic particles?!
How about you agree to complete one hundred…
Let’s say…
Finely finished artworks.
Of a media of your choice.
Or something of equal human value.
Of a media of your choice.
Or something of equal human value.
OK… Could it be photographically-based digital art derived from the natural world? Could I sculpt virtual reality?
Sure. Why not. It’s all virtual reality anyway.
Da.
Then you come back here to submit—
To offer yourself up humbly.
With your completed work in hand…
With profound love and gratitude.
Bowing to them.
To us.
When you're done and then.
With your completed work in hand…
With profound love and gratitude.
Bowing to them.
To us.
When you're done and then.
We'll put it to a vote again.
I see. I do. That is. I hear my good Lords and Ladies… and
WE ALL AGREEEEEE TO OUR AGREEEEEMENT!!!!
Thundered the lot of them. Echoing throughout an empty whiteness
Yes. Yes, of course. I mean. What other choice do I have?
None whatsoever.
And one other thing. It’s very important… whispered the timid… Air Element in parting—
In the midst of all the moaning, groaning, pleading and praying…
Do remember to laugh. That’s how you summon me. I’ll be here for you. If only… you remember to laugh.
And, so. That's how I barely woke up the first morning in St. John’s Hospital in Eureka, Ca, in the early spring of 2014.
With forty blithering, glary… black and white migrainy days… and forty longer and longer… sepia toned darker and darker… nightmare ridden nights of… in hospital antibiotic trials… inhuman, pus-draining pain… and… undying, piss-bucket dread… ahead of me.
Not to mention an insidious, ever-rotating cast of truly bizarre medical merchants… hospitalists, neurological specialists, radiologists, oncologists, nurses, nurses aids, occupational therapists, dietitians, ministers, janitors…
Thank you thank you thank you… for almost… but not quite… killing me.
Thank you thank you thank you… one and all!!
Mine glorious saviors of St. Joseph! Dr. Palmer—Chief of Surgery— especially. My faithful champion in the dicey arena!
And many undying thank you’s to… Lisa, Jasper and my dauntless, dearest friend, Brian. Thank you for standing by me in my darkest hours.
And, not to forget… Thank you “Obamacare” for picking up the quarter million dollar-plus tab for over a month of… in and out of… hospital medical “miracle” treatments.
So. That’s how the first chapter of these… Adobe Portfolio Confessions actually began on… November 23, 2017.
Now it’s… November 24, 2018… right?
So it is.
Well, then. It appears that I have erected… a grand, gratitudinous… if not grandiloquent—
Ecstatic… whilst cantankerous… bountiful body of work.
And. I am still here “all one” in cyberspace… apparently waiting for—
A…….?
And. I am still here “all one” in cyberspace… apparently waiting for—
A…….?
A wondrous new temple of sacred art to arise… from the thunder and ashes of modernity?
Could be.
A cup of tea, sir?
Yes, please. Do you serve Dragonwell here?
We most certainly do, sir.
Then make it a warm, fragrant pot of Dragonwell, thank you.
Or perhaps— A tiny, indivisible virtual museum of me? Hmmm…
How I once lived in the past.
What I was thinking.
Whom I once met and loved.
Where I wandered.
What made me make the decisions I did.
How it felt to be alive.
With fully awake knowledge.
Of both living and dying.
What I was thinking.
Whom I once met and loved.
Where I wandered.
What made me make the decisions I did.
How it felt to be alive.
With fully awake knowledge.
Of both living and dying.
Well, then. Dare I ask… Are we done here yet?
How should I know? Don’t ask me.
Ask……?
Oh, right….
Franz…? O Franz, my good man…. Is it possible that you are still there?
Es ist sich.
("jetzt aber nicht")
