When we finally arrived home in Humboldt County after our grand (van) tour… our surf and surgery adventure… to perilous Orange County, I was staggering under the assault of—
THOR’S BANGING HAMMER!!!
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!!!!!…..
Or, is it? <<<BOOM>><<BOOM>><<BOOM>><<BOOM>>>>
It’s almost impossible to describe this singular, insidious assault upon my person. I mentioned it <<<THE HAMMER>>> earlier in these Confessions. But. I no longer remember where, when or what I said previously….?
Oh shit. Excuse me. I’m having an ocular migraine. An arching scythe of shimmering brightness is presently distorting my left visual field. It will pass. Just a minute…
How about another pot of Dragonwell? Please, serve yourself. I’ll be back
… . . . . . . . . ..
OK. That’s better. Where were we?
Scintillating scotoma. Not to be confused with… ”neuropsychological, psychological, and intellectual scotomas”
At a higher level of abstraction are what have been called psychological scotomas, in which a person's self-perception of his or her own personality is judged by others to have a gap in perceptive ability. Thus, in psychology, scotoma can refer to a person's inability to perceive personality traits in themselves that are obvious to others. And at the highest abstraction level are what have been called intellectual scotomas, in which a person cannot perceive distortions in their world view that are obvious to others. Thus, in philosophy or politics, a person's thoughts or beliefs might be shaped by an inability to appreciate aspects of social interaction or institutional structure. (Thank you, Wiki)
Blind spots. Ah, yes. Apparently common (to the visual fields) in all mammals. We all have them. All of us. Elephants and Asses. But. Let’s not go down that bomb-cratered road today… Please.
Scintillating scotomas aside. They generally vanish into thin air. And so has mine after ten minutes.
But. Thor’s Almighty War Hammer! Coming so close upon the naked heels of hepatic surgery. Having arisen suddenly, and, descended inexplicably, in St. John’s Nightmare Hospital in whacky Santa Monica, CA. End of March, early April of the disastrous year, 2014. Most certainly did not.
Did not vanish. With or without a “plume of magician’s magic smoke”.
Unlike the scintillating lightning scythe of an ocular migraine. Which may or may not belong to Thor? Or Zeus? Or Indra? Or any of the other mythical “thunder and lightning gods”
LIST OF THUNDER GODS[edit]
Mediterranean[edit]
Teshub (Hurrian mythology)
Adad, Bel, Ishkur, Marduk (Babylonian-Assyrian mythology)
Baʿal, Hadad (Canaanite & Phoenician mythology)
Set (Egyptian mythology)
Aplu (Hurrian mythology)
Tarhunt (Hittite/Luwian mythology)
Zibelthiurdos (Thracian mythology)
Zeus (Greek Mythology)
Northwestern Eurasia[edit]
Afi (Abkhaz Mythology)
Ambisagrus, Loucetios (Gaulish mythology)
Astrape and Bronte (Greek mythology)
Atämshkai (Moksha mythology)
Gebeleizis (Dacian mythology)
Horagalles (Sami mythology)
Mediterranean[edit]
Teshub (Hurrian mythology)
Adad, Bel, Ishkur, Marduk (Babylonian-Assyrian mythology)
Baʿal, Hadad (Canaanite & Phoenician mythology)
Set (Egyptian mythology)
Aplu (Hurrian mythology)
Tarhunt (Hittite/Luwian mythology)
Zibelthiurdos (Thracian mythology)
Zeus (Greek Mythology)
Northwestern Eurasia[edit]
Afi (Abkhaz Mythology)
Ambisagrus, Loucetios (Gaulish mythology)
Astrape and Bronte (Greek mythology)
Atämshkai (Moksha mythology)
Gebeleizis (Dacian mythology)
Horagalles (Sami mythology)
Jupiter, Summanus (Roman mythology)
Lydia (West Sussex mythology)
Orko (Basque mythology)
Perëndi (Albanian mythology)
Perkūnas (Baltic mythology)
Perkwunos (Proto-Indo-European mythology)
Perun (Slavic mythology)
Ukko or Perkele (Finnish mythology)
Taranis (Pan-Celtic)
Tharapita or Taara (Estonian mythology)
Thor (Norse mythology)
Brontes (Greek mythology)
Fulgora (Roman mythology)
Astrape and Bronte (Greek mythology)
Sinosphere[edit]
Chen Wenyu (Lei Zu, Antecedent of Thunder) (Chinese mythology)
Feng Lung (Lei Gong, Lord of Thunder) (Chinese mythology)
Dian Mu, the Goddess of Lightning (Chinese mythology)
Thunder Emperors of the Five Regions
Hu Fengya, God of Thunder of the East (Chinese mythology)
Bing Jiulu, God of Thunder of the South (Chinese mythology)
Rong Yaoling, God of Thunder of the West (Chinese mythology)
Lu Xingmeng, God of Thunder of the North (Chinese mythology)
Sun Zhener, God of Thunder of the Center (Chinese mythology)
Thunder Kings of the Five Regions
Yan Fu, Thunder King of the East (Chinese mythology)
Zhuo Bin, Thunder King of the South (Chinese mythology)
Gao Hui, Thunder King of the West (Chinese mythology)
Wu Xi, Thunder King of the North (Chinese mythology)
Zhao Jian, Thunder King of the Center (Chinese mythology)
Marshals of Thunder
Deng Zhong (Chinese mythology)
Tian Hua (Chinese mythology)
Liu Hou (Chinese mythology)
Xin Xing (Chinese mythology)
Pang Qiao (Chinese mythology)
Thunder Generals of the Five Regions
Lydia (West Sussex mythology)
Orko (Basque mythology)
Perëndi (Albanian mythology)
Perkūnas (Baltic mythology)
Perkwunos (Proto-Indo-European mythology)
Perun (Slavic mythology)
Ukko or Perkele (Finnish mythology)
Taranis (Pan-Celtic)
Tharapita or Taara (Estonian mythology)
Thor (Norse mythology)
Brontes (Greek mythology)
Fulgora (Roman mythology)
Astrape and Bronte (Greek mythology)
Sinosphere[edit]
Chen Wenyu (Lei Zu, Antecedent of Thunder) (Chinese mythology)
Feng Lung (Lei Gong, Lord of Thunder) (Chinese mythology)
Dian Mu, the Goddess of Lightning (Chinese mythology)
Thunder Emperors of the Five Regions
Hu Fengya, God of Thunder of the East (Chinese mythology)
Bing Jiulu, God of Thunder of the South (Chinese mythology)
Rong Yaoling, God of Thunder of the West (Chinese mythology)
Lu Xingmeng, God of Thunder of the North (Chinese mythology)
Sun Zhener, God of Thunder of the Center (Chinese mythology)
Thunder Kings of the Five Regions
Yan Fu, Thunder King of the East (Chinese mythology)
Zhuo Bin, Thunder King of the South (Chinese mythology)
Gao Hui, Thunder King of the West (Chinese mythology)
Wu Xi, Thunder King of the North (Chinese mythology)
Zhao Jian, Thunder King of the Center (Chinese mythology)
Marshals of Thunder
Deng Zhong (Chinese mythology)
Tian Hua (Chinese mythology)
Liu Hou (Chinese mythology)
Xin Xing (Chinese mythology)
Pang Qiao (Chinese mythology)
Thunder Generals of the Five Regions
Wu Chong, Thunder General of the East (Chinese mythology)
Wang Jian, Thunder General of the South (Chinese mythology)
Meng Zhang, Thunder General of the West (Chinese mythology)
Sun Heng, Thunder General of the North (Chinese mythology)
Guo Zhen, Thunder General of the Center (Chinese mythology)
Twelve Lords of Heaven’s Thunder
Shénxiāo Leigong
Wǔfāng Leigong
Hángyǔ Leigong
Háng fēng Leigong
Hángyún Leigong
Bùzé Leigong
Hángxuě Leigong
Hángbīng Leigong
Fēishā Leigong
Shísuì Leigong
Tūnguǐ Leigong
Fúmó Leigong
Twelve Lords of Earth’s Thunder
Shǎngshàn Leigong
Fáě Leigong
Shèlíng Leigong
Fādào Leigong
Sìxù Leigong
Quèzāi Leigong
Shōudú Leigong
Jiùbìng Leigong
Fúwēi Leigong
Tàishēng Leigong
Xúntiān Leigong
Chádì Leigong
Twelve Lords of Man’s Thunder
Shōuwēn Leigong
Shèdú Leigong
Chúhài Leigong
Quèhuò Leigong
Fēngshān Leigong
Pòcháo Leigong
Wang Jian, Thunder General of the South (Chinese mythology)
Meng Zhang, Thunder General of the West (Chinese mythology)
Sun Heng, Thunder General of the North (Chinese mythology)
Guo Zhen, Thunder General of the Center (Chinese mythology)
Twelve Lords of Heaven’s Thunder
Shénxiāo Leigong
Wǔfāng Leigong
Hángyǔ Leigong
Háng fēng Leigong
Hángyún Leigong
Bùzé Leigong
Hángxuě Leigong
Hángbīng Leigong
Fēishā Leigong
Shísuì Leigong
Tūnguǐ Leigong
Fúmó Leigong
Twelve Lords of Earth’s Thunder
Shǎngshàn Leigong
Fáě Leigong
Shèlíng Leigong
Fādào Leigong
Sìxù Leigong
Quèzāi Leigong
Shōudú Leigong
Jiùbìng Leigong
Fúwēi Leigong
Tàishēng Leigong
Xúntiān Leigong
Chádì Leigong
Twelve Lords of Man’s Thunder
Shōuwēn Leigong
Shèdú Leigong
Chúhài Leigong
Quèhuò Leigong
Fēngshān Leigong
Pòcháo Leigong
Dáguǐ Leigong
Fúhǔ Leigong
Pòzhàng Leigong
Mièshī Leigong
Dàngguài Leigong
Guǎnpò Leigong
Thirty Six Lords of Thunder
Wǔdi Leigong
Yīnyáng Leigong
Sìlíng Leigong
Liùjiǎ Leigong
Pīléi Leigong
Fāshuǐ Leigong
Bāfēng Leigong
Shíyǔ Leigong
Liùdào Leigong
Zhìdiàn Leigong
Xīngfēng Leigong
Hángyǔ Leigong
Wǔyuè Leigong
Sìlì Leigong
Bājié Leigong
Liùhóu Leigong
Dàchuān Leigong
Xīgǔ Leigong
Jiānghé Leigong
Sìhǎi Leigong
Mínggǔ Leigong
Hōnglún Leigong
Huǒchē Leigong
Huǒlún Leigong
Yíshān Leigong
Zǒushí Leigong
Xīngyún Leigong
Sǎyǔ Leigong
Hángyún Leigong
Bùshuāng Leigong
Dáwēn Leigong
Fúhǔ Leigong
Pòzhàng Leigong
Mièshī Leigong
Dàngguài Leigong
Guǎnpò Leigong
Thirty Six Lords of Thunder
Wǔdi Leigong
Yīnyáng Leigong
Sìlíng Leigong
Liùjiǎ Leigong
Pīléi Leigong
Fāshuǐ Leigong
Bāfēng Leigong
Shíyǔ Leigong
Liùdào Leigong
Zhìdiàn Leigong
Xīngfēng Leigong
Hángyǔ Leigong
Wǔyuè Leigong
Sìlì Leigong
Bājié Leigong
Liùhóu Leigong
Dàchuān Leigong
Xīgǔ Leigong
Jiānghé Leigong
Sìhǎi Leigong
Mínggǔ Leigong
Hōnglún Leigong
Huǒchē Leigong
Huǒlún Leigong
Yíshān Leigong
Zǒushí Leigong
Xīngyún Leigong
Sǎyǔ Leigong
Hángyún Leigong
Bùshuāng Leigong
Dáwēn Leigong
Qūxié Leigong
Guāngmíng Leigong
Hēiàn Leigong
Pòmiào Leigong
Huǒyìn Leigong
Thirty Five Gods of Thunder
Yùshū Leishen
Yùfǔ Leishen
Yùzhù Leishen
Shǎngqīng Dàdòng Leishen
Huǒlún Leishen
Guàndǒu Leishen
Fēnghuǒ Leishen
Fēijié Leishen
Běijí Leishen
Zǐwēi Xuánshū Leishen
Shénxiāo Leishen
Xiāndū Leishen
Dàyǐ Hōngtiān Leishen
Zǐfǔ Leishen
Tiějiǎ Leishen
Shàoyáng Leishen
Yùhuǒ Leishen
Shèlíngmán Leishen
Dezhīmíng Leishen
Sānjiè Leishen
Zhǎnkuàng Leishen
Dàwēi Leishen
Dàbō Leishen
Qīngcǎo Leishen
Bāguà Leishen
Hùnyuán Yīngquǎn Leishen
Xiàomìngfēng Leishen
Huǒyún Leishen
Yǔbù Dàtǒngshè Leishen
Tàijí Leishen
Nèijiàn Leishen
Wàijiàn Leishen
Guāngmíng Leigong
Hēiàn Leigong
Pòmiào Leigong
Huǒyìn Leigong
Thirty Five Gods of Thunder
Yùshū Leishen
Yùfǔ Leishen
Yùzhù Leishen
Shǎngqīng Dàdòng Leishen
Huǒlún Leishen
Guàndǒu Leishen
Fēnghuǒ Leishen
Fēijié Leishen
Běijí Leishen
Zǐwēi Xuánshū Leishen
Shénxiāo Leishen
Xiāndū Leishen
Dàyǐ Hōngtiān Leishen
Zǐfǔ Leishen
Tiějiǎ Leishen
Shàoyáng Leishen
Yùhuǒ Leishen
Shèlíngmán Leishen
Dezhīmíng Leishen
Sānjiè Leishen
Zhǎnkuàng Leishen
Dàwēi Leishen
Dàbō Leishen
Qīngcǎo Leishen
Bāguà Leishen
Hùnyuán Yīngquǎn Leishen
Xiàomìngfēng Leishen
Huǒyún Leishen
Yǔbù Dàtǒngshè Leishen
Tàijí Leishen
Nèijiàn Leishen
Wàijiàn Leishen
Shénfǔ Tiānshū Leishen
Dàfàn Dòushū Leishen
Yùchén Leishen
Japanese Mythology
Ajisukitakahikone, Raijin (Raiden-sama, Kaminari-sama), Tenjin (kami) (Japanese mythology)
Susanoo (Japanese mythology)
Takemikazuchi (Japanese mythology)
Indosphere[edit]
Indra (Hindu mythology and Buddhist mythology)
Parjanya (Hindu mythology)
Raja Indainda (Batak mythology)
Vajrapani (Buddhist mythology)
Americas[edit]
Thunderbird (Iroquois and Huron mythology)
Aktzin (Totonac mythology)
Haokah (Lakota mythology)
Xolotl and Tlaloc (Aztec mythology)
Cocijo (Zapotec mythology)
Chaac (Maya mythology)
Yopaat (Maya mythology)
Chibchacum (Muisca mythology)
Apocatequil (Incan mythology)
Tupã (Guaraní mythology)
Sub-Saharan Africa[edit]
Shango (god of thunder and lightning, Yoruba Nigeria)
Oya (goddess of hurricanes, consort of Shango in Yoruba religion)
Azaka-Tonnerre (West African Vodun/Haitian Vodou)
Mulungu
Xevioso (alternately: Xewioso, Heviosso. Thunder god of the So region)
Amadioha (Igbo, Nigeria)
Àlamei (So region)
Kiwanuka (god of thunder and lightning, Buganda, Uganda)
Oceania[edit]
Polynesian mythology
Haikili (Polynesian mythology)
Dàfàn Dòushū Leishen
Yùchén Leishen
Japanese Mythology
Ajisukitakahikone, Raijin (Raiden-sama, Kaminari-sama), Tenjin (kami) (Japanese mythology)
Susanoo (Japanese mythology)
Takemikazuchi (Japanese mythology)
Indosphere[edit]
Indra (Hindu mythology and Buddhist mythology)
Parjanya (Hindu mythology)
Raja Indainda (Batak mythology)
Vajrapani (Buddhist mythology)
Americas[edit]
Thunderbird (Iroquois and Huron mythology)
Aktzin (Totonac mythology)
Haokah (Lakota mythology)
Xolotl and Tlaloc (Aztec mythology)
Cocijo (Zapotec mythology)
Chaac (Maya mythology)
Yopaat (Maya mythology)
Chibchacum (Muisca mythology)
Apocatequil (Incan mythology)
Tupã (Guaraní mythology)
Sub-Saharan Africa[edit]
Shango (god of thunder and lightning, Yoruba Nigeria)
Oya (goddess of hurricanes, consort of Shango in Yoruba religion)
Azaka-Tonnerre (West African Vodun/Haitian Vodou)
Mulungu
Xevioso (alternately: Xewioso, Heviosso. Thunder god of the So region)
Amadioha (Igbo, Nigeria)
Àlamei (So region)
Kiwanuka (god of thunder and lightning, Buganda, Uganda)
Oceania[edit]
Polynesian mythology
Haikili (Polynesian mythology)
Tāwhaki (Polynesian mythology)
Kaha'i (Polynesian mythology)
Te Uira (Polynesian mythology)
Micronesian mythology
Nan Sapwe (Pohnpeian mythology)
Australia[edit]
Mamaragan (Aboriginal mythology)
New Zealand[edit]
Whaitiri (Māori mythology)
Tāwhirimātea (Māori mythology)
Kaha'i (Polynesian mythology)
Te Uira (Polynesian mythology)
Micronesian mythology
Nan Sapwe (Pohnpeian mythology)
Australia[edit]
Mamaragan (Aboriginal mythology)
New Zealand[edit]
Whaitiri (Māori mythology)
Tāwhirimātea (Māori mythology)
(A round of thunderous applause for Wikipedia folks!)
Please, my good cyber-reader. Choose your favorite thunder monster above. Apparently the Chinese really go for these thunderous assemblies of bureaucratic crackpots. But. Although the Grecian “ubermensch” Zeus, and the Vedic “overlord” Indra, do have my archaic, aesthetic sympathies. And. Although I could choose Tengri (not sited above), the celestial “bad mofo” of the Mongolians. More or less top thunderdog of our beloved maestro, Genghis Khan. As my pinch hitter. Or, back up pitcher? In this case—
I think I shall stick with my Nordic ancestral thunder daemon of choice.
My first, last and decided… Bruce Jenner Olympian “bad boy” (not)… “breakfast choice of champions”…. el machote inimitable… Thor Thunderpants.
True. Indra’s inventive lightning “vajra”… and… Zeus’s precipitous “thunderboldt”… do have their… perhaps less than discrete… flashy… “bling-bling”… ageless charms. I will admit. But. Those egregious… laser-guided… thermonuclear weapons of mass destruction… they just seem too sci-fi… too “new agey” Marvel Comics… if you know what I mean?
Thor’s unwieldy, yet rather basic “hammer”… M(o)jolnir… well, you see—
It pounds!! It pounds and pounds....
AND <<POUNDS>> AND >>>POUNDS<<< AND <<<<POUNDS>>>>
It’s a….. ssslllloooooowwwwwwww…. sustained process of almost… refined, calculated obliteration.
Not a sudden atomic bomb flash of instantaneous annihilation.
Not a momentary… “I am become death the destroyer of worlds”… kind of intellectual, epiphanous… Lord Shivaesque… enlightenment event.
No satori. Sorry. That’s some Japanese anime folk hero. Or a zen priest perhaps.
Sorry. So so sorry, senator. No instant Maxwell House moksha… when the grim gavel comes down.
Oh no. Thor, with Mjolnir in hand… never delivers piping hot pizza… or that long sought after… Eureka! stoner moment.
And he’s nothing like the way they’ve depicted our ridiculous hero and his weapon of wonder in Hollywood movies recently!! God no!!
Odin would be rolling over in his quickly receding glacier.
God no. Thor is not. And never was. A remote relative of Bruce Wayne, Bruce Lee, or, Peter Parker… Give us a break.
Thor is not, and never will be, a modern… Michael Jacksoneque super star… super hero. There’s nothing remotely modern… up to date… in the zeitgeist… and absolutely nothing… George! Lucas! Star! Wars! Hollywood!… Steven Spielbergian Age…!!!… “special effects!”… about him.
Thor is a primeval, unquenchable Viking thug more along the bloodlines of the grossly under appreciated, Titan Hephaestus. He’s a big, brawny, murderous blacksmith gone rogue.
The main thing to remember with Thor is that he’s a bit thick. Slow on the uptake. But, once thick old Thor gets heavy old Mjolnir up… gets that big stick and brick swinging…
He’s kind of like the Energizer Bunny, you see
Good old Thor just keeps on… keeping on. Steadily hammering as hard as only a god can do
No! Nothing like paltry “bang bang Maxwell’s silver hammer”….
Nothing musical about it! I can assure the reader of that. We’re not talking “inagaddadavida” drumming here. Sorry, no solo Ringo
It’s dreadful. The hammering. It’s brutal. The pain does not diminish after an hour or two. Oh no. Not after a day or two. Sorry. Not after… a week or two? Forget it. No. Not even after a month or two!!
Not even on Black Sabbath Sunday!?
Sorry, no.
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD SAVE ME!!!!
That’s more or less what was repeating uncontrollably in my head. My non-stop mantra when I finally arrived home to Humboldt County.
Holy Mother of God… Go down the secret internal list there. I did. Mother Mary, Saint Theresa, Avalokiteshvara… Green Tara, Yellow Tara… Red White and Blue Tara… Ma’at
On and on and on… I called out to all of the noble lady saviors I could recall. Then, on to the Fathers… Jehovah, Jesus, Lord Shiva, Lord Rama, Buddha, Zeus, Chronos, Jupiter
As I entered my bedroom upstairs. In my fathers’ house. In Mckinleyville, CA. In early April of that most horrendous year, 2014—
I cried out for deliverance from pain! Real live physical pain! Not some imaginary, poetic Dantesque… surrealist, artistic “make believe”… underworld torture!
Thor Himself! The Lord of Thunder was pounding me into the dirt. Back of my head. Lower right side—
Over and over and over and
Deeper and deeper and deeper
Into the plasmatic stewpot of primordial oblivion
Into the Eschaton!
. . . . . . . . . . . . .
If I had a hammer
I'd hammer in the morning
I'd hammer in the evening
All over this land
Trini Lopez
