“Jojo was a man who thought he was a loner
But he knew it wouldn't last
Jojo left his home in Tucson, Arizona
For some California grass
But he knew it wouldn't last
Jojo left his home in Tucson, Arizona
For some California grass
Get back, get back
Get back to where you once belonged
Get back, get back
Get back to where you once belonged
Get back Jojo, go home”
Get back to where you once belonged
Get back, get back
Get back to where you once belonged
Get back Jojo, go home”
Beatles - Get Back
So. Yeah.
That terrible year, 2007. Guess what?
It had to end some day.
Like today is August 1, 2018. See ya later July!
Nice knowin ya… thanks for the memories… Adios, amiga.
OK. Now we’re really getting somewhere.
2008. WELCOME TO 2008. A brand new, undiscovered, awesome new year.
I thought we would never be done with that loser of a year, 2007.
But. Here we are. 2008. Wonderful! Amazing!
A cup of dragonwell tea to celebrate the end of 2007? Sure. Why not?
Fill it to the brim! AAaaahhhhh. Delicious.
So, 2008 came and I felt the fog of my discontent slowly lifting.
What is that saying? “Time and a clean house heals ya.” (Lori Mckenna)
Right on, sister!
It had been a year, more or less, since my stated intention to break up with my beloved Heartwoodie bunkmate, the ethical slut, Jessica. It took a whole lot longer than I expected to untie them emotional slipknots that bound me to her. A whole dang year! It turned out. But. I knew that I was not her man. Like she said.
“In three years, you will know me. And. You will not like me. That’s how it always goes”
Not just because of the age difference, mind you. Like, now I’m sixty-three. So, that makes her, forty-two. That puts her at the absolute peak of perfection for a primate, female… Why. She’s about as ripe as they come, right now, in 2018. And maybe, she’s even past the age of child bearing. Then again.
There could still be one or two unbroken eggs left in that recreant basket ready to…
Farm out for adoption?
Where are you going with this egg basket motif, partner?
Oh… never mind—
“A-tisket a-tasket
A green and yellow basket
I wrote a letter to my love
And on the way I dropped it
A green and yellow basket
I wrote a letter to my love
And on the way I dropped it
I dropped it, I dropped it
Yes, on the way I dropped it
A little girlie picked it up
And took it to the market
Yes, on the way I dropped it
A little girlie picked it up
And took it to the market
She was truckin’ on down the avenue
Without a single thing to do”
Without a single thing to do”
“And on the way I dropped it”. That’s the important line to remember.
You see how diligently, freely and easily? The mind naturally wanders if it ain’t given a definite goal? The mind naturally wanders if it ain’t tied to some definite plan? Something to consider, young man.
Now, in 2008, it was time to consider a new… girlfriend, soul mate, play mate, partner in crime… woman? Plan.
A bold new plan.
This is how 2008 became the year of the bold new plan.
It started with a six-page handwritten prayer. Not just any prayer for the end of sorrow, fear and anger… for the end of war… for world peace… for Greenpeace Victory on the high seas… for Jill Stein and the Green Party to win in the next election… for the liberation of all suffering sentient beings… including whales, elephants, rhinos, lions, tigers, bears… salmon, Karen Silkwood, native Americans… rivers and redwood trees… for my kids to join me in Arcata…
Oh no. I mean. Sure. I wanted and still do… all of those things all of the time. I’d love to see these empire building descendants of the Romans… like us… here in the good ole USA… stop beating up on indigenous folks and… every species of plant, animal and mineral everywhere… stop the grievous slaughter for financial gain… without careful planning and consideration of the consequences… everywhere it hurts. But.
What I’m talking about here is a real “law of attraction” mindful, intentional visualization kind of a prayer exercise thing. The hand written part. The left brain part. That is to help with the visualization part. The right brain part. It’s to get that cross border corpus callosum—
“Corpus callosum/the corpus callosum consists of about 200 millon axons that interconnect the two hemispheres. The primary function of the corpus callosum is to integrate motor, sensory, and cognitive performances between the cerebral cortex on one side of the brain to the same region on the other side”.
That axial internet neural super highway. That mainline right down the middle of the cerebral cortex. Good and juiced up. To grease the hobo ridin rails to heaven properly. To make sure the right hand noggin knows what the left hand is bloggin.
Right. So. I visualized the perfect woman. La madonna perfecta!
Yeah. That’s what I’m talkin about.
I VISUALIZED THE PERFECT WOMAN. Now, let me repeat that…
I pictured with, and, within inside my mind’s eye… the third eye… the eye in our mind… You know what I mean, damn it!
I saw her. I summoned her. In a vision in my right lobe. Like a porn star in a blue movie…
Like… Stormy Daniels?
That’s right, partner. Only real tits. Not fake tits.
NO FAKE TITS!! damn it.
And, I breathed deeply with… and into… my visionary beauty… puffed her up real nice… breathin slowly, consciously… through the cold nostril hairs… holdin that big breath in… one two three… lettin that big breast out slowly… through the warm nostril hairs…
There she is… see her?
See my beloved wonder woman… my prodigious, saintly
Eve. The naked lady in the garden.
Dang! She was near perfect.
But. That’s not enough. Not enough for the… infallible magic of… the “law of attraction” to work. See.
It’s not near enough just to sit there with a mighty erection… meditatin on a vision of beauty!! Hell no. There’s more hard work to do here, pal. You think it’s that easy? Just meditate, visualize and pray… and then the most bodacious trollop in the world will be… immediately dropped into your sweaty lap… handed over to you in handcuffs… like a million-dollar ransomed… movie starlet on a silver couch?!
Oh no. This LA spiritual shit takes work! It ain’t no one night wonder we’re talkin about summonin here!
IT’S THE GODDAMN GODDESS INCARNATE!! we’re talkin about here.
If you can draw, pal. It’s time to reach for yur pencil.
A sharpener, an eraser and plenty of paper wouldn’t hurt. Don’t expect to get it right on the first draw. But. Don’t be intimidated. Just keep drawing and shooting. Drawing and shooting. Drawing and shooting.
Shoot the movie in your imagination. Draw the pictures. To bring it more clearly into focus. To draw it… through the crack in creation. To draw it with the infallible… “law of attraction”… closer… closer… closer
Yeah. We’re talkin XXX… close up… hard and fast… sloppy and slow… from every imaginable angle… Go ahead. Imagine yourself a real
HARD CORE PORN VISIONARY!!
Ok. Ok. You thinks you gots a good urn. Lemme see.
Oh yeah. O yeah, baby. With all natural knockers like that urn… you’ll be a real proud cowboy in the marriageable age saddle by next weddin day. Yeah, baby. That’s what I’m talkin bout. No jail bait here.
Here kitty kitty… Niiiiice kitty… Niiiiiice kitty
Well. You done just fine in the spiritual… visualizin, prayin, meditatin… and… in the fine art… mental movie masturbatin… drawin departments.
But. You ain’t finished yet. You can’t leave yet. Why. Listen, partner. You’re just gettin started here.
But. You ain’t finished yet. You can’t leave yet. Why. Listen, partner. You’re just gettin started here.
The next step of the process. Your next emission… should you decide to… not abort… is.
Can you guess? Can you guess the next phase of… the three-phase wire of… the infallible… “law of attraction”… Can you?
The third rail in the subway to submission.
Yeah. I knew you was goin straight to the head of the class! That’s right!
Now. Ya gots to write it all down. Yo gots to put pen to paper.
You got it. It is absolutely essential to the universe. The great, big-hearted… universal studios… giving machine. The incredible, automatic telepathic robot… money maker and three dimensional printer… “star maker machinery”… the infinite womb in the sky—
It’s absolutely required! All important. Can’t skip this step.
Right now. Right this minute. While the eagle feather is still warm… and the blue indigo ink in the crystal ink well is still… hot
You must write it all down. Everything. Summum en toto! Now!
Everything you want… in the woman of your dreams.
AN ACTUAL WORD BY WORD WRITTEN DESCRIPTION OF….
THE PERFECT WOMAN.
Oh, come on. That’s the easy part. You know… “five-foot-two, eyes of blue”… not just any… tits and ass will do…
Alright. Alright. How about—
Filthy fucking rich.
We’re talking billionairess these days, right? Write out the amount here.
Drop dead gorgeous, by any measure.
Hollywood or Bollywood.
We’re talking billionairess these days, right? Write out the amount here.
Drop dead gorgeous, by any measure.
Hollywood or Bollywood.
You fill in the curvy blanks. The particulars for your own miss universal goddess here.
Brilliant mind. I mean. Lady Einstein Gaga.
We’re talkin an awesome high IQ. Capable of solving all the world’s many problems…
Even your own. Add it up… Here.
Patience of a Saint Theresa. Pick your own favorite saint. Then, write it down in blood, here.
Funny! Stand up comic whom you would die to hop in bed with!
Not too serious. Except when serious.
Lay it on me.
Here.
Brilliant mind. I mean. Lady Einstein Gaga.
We’re talkin an awesome high IQ. Capable of solving all the world’s many problems…
Even your own. Add it up… Here.
Patience of a Saint Theresa. Pick your own favorite saint. Then, write it down in blood, here.
Funny! Stand up comic whom you would die to hop in bed with!
Not too serious. Except when serious.
Lay it on me.
Here.
Got it?
Go down your written list of desirable traits.
The inherent traits of your very own perfect woman.
Brain storm it.
Just write on and on. Be free and easy.
Be generous.
Be silly.
Have fun with it.
Iterate to your heart’s content.
Go down your written list of desirable traits.
The inherent traits of your very own perfect woman.
Brain storm it.
Just write on and on. Be free and easy.
Be generous.
Be silly.
Have fun with it.
Iterate to your heart’s content.
Later you will be forced by the… law of necessity… to choose your top ten most important characteristics!
And. Eventually you will be strongly advised… by the law of supply and demand… to narrow it down to… your “top four deal breakers”… for speed dating.
Ten to twenty minutes maximum… formal, informal meetings… in public places.
Go down your list of essential traits.
One. She’s hot.
Two. He’s a totally dominating, demanding asshole twenty-four and seven.
But. I love being dominated. Told what to do. When and where to stick it.
You know. He reminds me of my old husband.
That’s my number one “must have” trait!
And. Eventually you will be strongly advised… by the law of supply and demand… to narrow it down to… your “top four deal breakers”… for speed dating.
Ten to twenty minutes maximum… formal, informal meetings… in public places.
Go down your list of essential traits.
One. She’s hot.
Two. He’s a totally dominating, demanding asshole twenty-four and seven.
But. I love being dominated. Told what to do. When and where to stick it.
You know. He reminds me of my old husband.
That’s my number one “must have” trait!
That was suppose to be number two! Get it straight, lady!
Jesus, we’ve only got five minutes left here.
Jesus, we’ve only got five minutes left here.
Three. He has to have a recent model Lexus. Or, one of those super sexy electric things… a watchamacall it?
Ok. Ok. You’ve got the basics.
So. I wrote down my ten pages of hand-written requirements for my very own personalized goddess incarnate.
Then I placed it on my altar.
Offered it up to my all powerful all wise gurus.
To the universal goddess copying machine.
The womb of primordial space.
I said my prayers.
I visualized madame lying naked on a bed of bull rushes…
I rang my Tibetan bronze bells.
I ignited some handmade local candles of natural beeswax.
I lit a few sticks of Japanese incense.
I chanted aloud.
Om ma da, om sri da
Obla di obla da
Om mane padme humpity dumpity
You fill in your own mellifluous mantras…
This is extra credit.
I sprinkled the altar and the room… the whole house with holy water as I prayed, chanted, rang the bells, swung the incense, twiddled the honey pots, visualized the perfect lass… with full feeling, deep breathing and intent… etc.
Then I placed it on my altar.
Offered it up to my all powerful all wise gurus.
To the universal goddess copying machine.
The womb of primordial space.
I said my prayers.
I visualized madame lying naked on a bed of bull rushes…
I rang my Tibetan bronze bells.
I ignited some handmade local candles of natural beeswax.
I lit a few sticks of Japanese incense.
I chanted aloud.
Om ma da, om sri da
Obla di obla da
Om mane padme humpity dumpity
You fill in your own mellifluous mantras…
This is extra credit.
I sprinkled the altar and the room… the whole house with holy water as I prayed, chanted, rang the bells, swung the incense, twiddled the honey pots, visualized the perfect lass… with full feeling, deep breathing and intent… etc.
Then. I dropped it.
Dropped the whole dang holy ritual magic shit bucket—
“Full of tits with the handle on the inside”.
Dropped it like a ten-megaton pterodactyl turd.
Forgot all about it.
Let it go entirely.
Without hope… incrimination or remorse.
I just dropped my secret prayer message into the ether.
Into the secret “in basket” void.
Of the great goddess copying machine triple-ddd-printer.
Dropped the whole dang holy ritual magic shit bucket—
“Full of tits with the handle on the inside”.
Dropped it like a ten-megaton pterodactyl turd.
Forgot all about it.
Let it go entirely.
Without hope… incrimination or remorse.
I just dropped my secret prayer message into the ether.
Into the secret “in basket” void.
Of the great goddess copying machine triple-ddd-printer.
And. No. I did not wait. I specifically did not wait for that… echo.
Don’t be a damn fool like Narcissus of Athens!
Don’t start talking to yourself in a mirror.
Waiting for an answer from the rotary dial frog pond.
Watching tadpoles.
Why not?!
Because.
I knew that my work of goddess ordering was done.
And, this is the most important part of all.
I had utmost confidence in the infallible…
“Law of Attraction”
Don’t start talking to yourself in a mirror.
Waiting for an answer from the rotary dial frog pond.
Watching tadpoles.
Why not?!
Because.
I knew that my work of goddess ordering was done.
And, this is the most important part of all.
I had utmost confidence in the infallible…
“Law of Attraction”
And, Amazon.com…
That’s right, folks.
Use it and then lose it.
Don’t look over that shoulder, or…
Just like poor sad, lonely, horny old Orpheus with his plaintive lyre.
Eurydice, your beloved, won’t make it out of the coffee shop… alive.
Use it and then lose it.
Don’t look over that shoulder, or…
Just like poor sad, lonely, horny old Orpheus with his plaintive lyre.
Eurydice, your beloved, won’t make it out of the coffee shop… alive.
Just.… effectuate. Then. Drop it.
